Return of the Lazy Author

I’m… back. That’s it. I just felt like posting on this blog again so there. Oh dear, I just checked my clock and it’s 2017 already. Fuck me.

Here are some life updates:

1. One year closer to death. A.K.A. A-Levels.
2. Somehow, I managed to croak my way to being a singer in my school’s Jazz Club.
3. Finally, I became a conservation ambassador for the zoo, and to be honest, I volunteer there to impress foreign strangers for a self-esteem boost.
4. Get Out is a really, really good horror film. Must watch.
5. Just completed my very first junior college exams. Can’t wait to get the remedial classes’ schedule.
6. Recently got hooked on The Sound of Your Heart, a Korean comedy webcomic. It never fails to make me audibly laugh in public (Oh the horror of attracting attention). I may try making comics again some time soon.
7. To satiate my need for recklessness and (injudicious) adventure, I literally found a restaurant looking to hire on a Singaporean equivalent of Craigslist, WhatsApp-ed the employer a lengthy request to recruit me as a “kitchen apprentice”. Apparently, my good command of the English language and clever inclusion of “no pay needed” within my job application landed me my very first culinary gig. In fact, very first career position.

Me, screaming internally:

I want to go to culinary school. The Culinary Institute of America. 

I will show ’em. I will hone my knife skills, read Kitchen Confidential without getting intimidated, and do my homework to Gordon Ramsay swearing on loop. I will experiment in the falling-apart kitchen and memorise every cut of a cow, pig, sheep, horse, dog, cat, whatever.

Now that I have written this here, I will do it.

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Judgement Day is Done and Gone (And The First Time I Said “Fuck You” To A Complete Stranger)

FUCK YES. Exams. Are. Over. There are no other three words that could be any more satisfying. Wait, let’s stop. No more talk of assessments, school and the impending doom of receiving my final grades. Instead, the culmination of sweet long-awaited freedom should be celebrated with a throwback to an achievement of mine.

Here is the story of the first time I said “fuck you” to a stranger. Now, I come from a place where swearing is frown upon (no shit) and especially so when you are a teenage girl from a pretty respectable institution. Don’t get me wrong, I am not some kind of Asian puritan who strictly  abstains from swearing to reading mildly-erotic manga (smut is my bread and butter oh no I can feel you judging me), but I do most of my “fuck” this and that at home and in the company of my hooligan friends (yeah we totes cool yo). So throwing a huge “fuck you” to a complete stranger was a big accomplishment for me. Wayyy too big. But hey.

Ok, now to the story. I was walking my dog with my mother and we were exiting our housing estate when this shitty lump of a middle-aged man came waddling toward us. Our dog, which rarely gets uncontrollably frenzied at humans, gets uncontrollably frenzied at that douche. My pooch could barely reach the oaf and he starts hurling insults at us. And before that idiot gets away with ruining our pleasant mother-daughter-dog stroll, I gave him a terrific “FUCK YOU”. It was, honestly, the best feeling in the world. My heart was racing, my head was whirling, but most importantly, my cherry has popped.

I am no longer a profanity virgin.

Ok this post just got a bajillion times weird. Excuse me for my poor choice of words, but I think it depicts my feelings very accurately, which is also not very assuring of my sanity.

Anyhoo, after the f-bomb was dropped, all that came out of the jerk’s mouth was a feeble I-don’t-want-the-police-to-be-involved-because-I-did-some-scandalous-things-prior-to-offending-a-feisty-teenage-girl response, and then he shuffled away quickly like the shady-ass-dick he was. That’s right.

My mom still managed to grasp onto some parenting basics and told me off a little for swearing at that idiot, but I could tell she was glad as hell that I rebutted his unnecessary discourtesy. Hohoho.

That moment was special, though. In all seriousness (who am I kidding), it helped me get a taste of standing up for myself, no matter how petty the incident was (I am literally just bullcrapping at this point).

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TL;DR: Cussed at a stranger and it felt like opening a fresh jar of glorious nutella (oh, the sweet, gooey world of spewing expletives at other human beans)

I’ve Got A Cool Tat

As we all know, my exams are coming up soon. Or more like, it’s tomorrow. So I was revising Chemistry (I prefer to call it alchemy which sounds more magical, very much unlike the education system), and I wrote down the electrochemical series on my left arm because that helps me memorise things. I can be taking a dump and there it is, on my body, without having me worrying about getting poopy germs onto my notes and then pass it on to my teacher and then the whole student body and then have the whole school shut down by the health board. Which, on hindsight, doesn’t seem all that bad.

Anyway, after studying for the whole morning, I took my dog out for a walk and ran into that nice elderly man who was also walking his dog. After making some small talk he noticed the scribble on my arm. He was hard of hearing and sight due to his age, and he exclaimed in a very old-Chinese-man-way, “Wah, you have a tattoo ah!” I tried to explain the situation, but you’ve got to understand that some old people simply do not care if you’ve got logical substantiation behind your apparent illicit doings. So after many futile monosyllabic interjections of denial that I purposefully went out and illegally obtained body ink just to bring dishonour upon my family, the nice elderly man squints , made a brief compliment on my “tattoo” and hurried off, disrupting his pooch that was mid-way sniffing my dog’s crotch.

I hope he doesn’t bump into my parents anytime soon.

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TL;DR: My terrible handwriting on my arm passed off as a tattoo and my dog’s horny

Grapes

Uhh so my aunt just popped by and presented us with a gift: phallic grapes. Apparently they’re sweeter, have better texture and more health benefits? Then again, any Asian would believe that food resembling sexual organs were nutritious aphrodisiacs. Thank you, kind aunt, for considering my fertility.

Don’t mind the voracious predator prowling at the back. It’s just my gluttonous dog. Even the softest of a packet of biscuits opening will summon her furry butt.

But yeah the grapes were pretty nice. Couldn’t tell the difference from it and its non-tiny-eggplant-looking counterparts, though.